Marriage is a life-long commitment, and much can happen between “to have and to hold from this day forward” and “till death do us part.” And as many couples can attest to, much can come in the form ranging from money troubles and parenting difficulties to, well, boredom.
In 2020, there were 6,959 divorces or annulments, according to figures from the Department of Statistics Singapore. Among them, 29.4% comprised couples who’d been married for 5 to 9 years. The number of marital splits was the lowest since 2006 – and attributed to the disruptions brought on by the COVID-19 outbreak – during which people also took the opportunity to reassess the significance of family.
So for couples who find it difficult to confide in family or friends about marital woes, marriage counselling is a worthwhile option. At Nuffield Wellness Counselling & Psychotherapy, marriage counselling focuses on the dynamics between spouses and seeks to restore their sense of connection and validation, before working with both parties to address and overcome difficulties in their marriage.
Why Do You Need Marriage Counselling?
Our marriages are often where we receive and offer the greatest love and support. And healthy marriages where we can communicate meaningfully and respectfully can bring about happy families. Often, too, our marriages experience difficulties and disagreement. What’s crucial, therefore, is for couples to come together to understand and overcome these issues. Marriage counselling, by doing that, can help strengthen relationships with our spouses.
Honesty is the best policy here. When a spouse is not truthful about his feelings, there is a tendency for both to ignore an issue and even pretend that all is well within the marriage. It is common for arguments to occur but being able to communicate effectively ensures that you better understand each other. There are different ways to do so, including verbal (speaking words of encouragement); non-verbal (physical touch and body language); written (texting and letters), and visual (facial expressions and eye contact).
This is what many call “cheating”. Infidelity can damage the trust in relationships and severely strain marriages. One form of infidelity is emotional, where a spouse starts developing feelings of attachment to someone outside of the marriage. The other is physical, where extramarital sex has happened.
It is OK to express frustration during disagreements but if you resort to aggressive ways to do so – such as criticism, complaint and/or physical or emotional abuse, it can make your spouse feel belittled and rejected. It may affect communication within a marriage and result in its breakdown.
Marriages can be threatened by various disagreements, such as financial struggles, lack of intimacy and jealousy. Learn to listen actively to your spouse, so you understand how and why she feels this way. This will help both of you home in on the underlying issue(s) and work out a solution together.
The struggle of conceiving a child, regardless of reasons, can exert a toll on marriages. It is worsened especially if it’s been happening for a long time and couples have spent a lot of effort, time and money on numerous methods. The queries from friends and family don’t help either.
Eldest Jonas Brother Kevin said it best when he got hitched to his wife Danielle in 2009: “When you marry someone, you marry their entire family”. Your spouse remains child to her parents, sister to her siblings, and niece to her aunts and uncles. When dealing with in-laws who are up to no good (such as stirring up discord), how can couples set and get them to stick to boundaries?
Prevalent among couples, monetary challenges can arise from credit card debt as well as other financial obligations such as buying a new home and paying for children’s education. It is important to be able to agree to manage money together as a couple and how to do so.
Marriages that involve children from previous relationships require an effective co-parenting plan and visitation schedule so parents can continue to be involved in their lives. Challenges such as different parenting styles can cause children to favour one parent over another.
Losing a loved one is hard and can affect your significant other’s relationship with you, for example. Remember that people cope with grief differently, and understand how to offer support.
Baby boomers are more likely to be affected by this, which describes the urge for change among those whose kids are grown-up. The process of re-evaluating their purpose in life may result in mental health issues. Women may find this period more challenging especially since menopause sets in during their late 50s.
When Should You Go For Marriage Counselling?
Some couples may just want professional advice on stronger relationships while others want to stress-proof their romance. And even if you eventually opt to divorce, marriage counselling can help reduce the blame game and make the process more amicable.
#1 You don’t talk to each other anymore.
#2 You have become bored of your partner.
#3 You keep fighting about the same issues.
#4 You had an affair.
#5 You want a divorce.
How Much Does Marriage Counselling Cost?
Individual sessions typically cost $140 and upwards at private counselling clinics, although fees vary according to duration and frequency of sessions. For couples who may need up to 12 sessions, check if package rates are available.
How Can A Marriage Counsellor Help?
A marriage counsellor helps couples address issues in their marriage. The goal is to offer solutions to help couples overcome these issues together in order that they may enjoy a more fulfilling marriage and a more stable family. This can be done through individual counselling, couple counselling, and parents and children during family counselling.
#1 Bridges the communication gap between couples
A marriage counsellor finds ways to get spouses to connect with each other more openly. This can happen through sharing techniques to enable you to express yourself more calmly and truthfully. Through setting objective parameters, such as not interrupting when one spouse speaks, a marriage counsellor can also make conversations between couples more meaningful.
#2 Focuses on the marriage.
By identifying issues and evaluating how each hurts relationships, a marriage counsellor also highlights how spouses can repair these issues and explore ways to strengthen their love and bond.
#3 Suggests but never insists.
What a marriage counsellor doesn’t recommend couples: should you stay together or should you go separate ways? What a marriage counsellor is likely to share with couples is, how to set realistic goals that will improve marriages and what each spouse must do to achieve these goals.
Any Other Burning Questions About Marriage Counselling?
Q. How can we find a marriage counsellor?
A. You can ask around for a referral. Does your friend know one? Can your GP recommend one? This may take a few weeks. Also discuss with your spouse other factors such as location and availability. It’s great to have a mental checklist but keep an open mind too.
Q. What can I do if my spouse refuses to attend marriage counselling together?
A. You can let him know how much you appreciate his participation. Highlight that it’s an opportunity to express his thoughts and feelings too. Propose that he attends a few sessions, and decide again after that. If he insists on not attending because of, for example, the stigma of marriage counselling, explore how to work around it together.
Q. How do I know if my marriage counselling is working?
A. No one enjoys discussing problems or pain. Left on their own, however, they might fester and ruin your relationship. What a marriage counsellor can do is help you address these issues with an objective approach, so you no longer suffer in silence.
Where Can We Get Started?
Our principal counsellor Zahira Masauood is registered with the Singapore Association of Counselling. With more than 10 years of experience and having lived in various parts of the world, she believes everyone has the right to heal and grow in an environment where they feel safe, accepted and free of judgement. Book an appointment here.
info@nuffieldcounselling.com.sg 
+65 9668 9635 
+65 9668 9635 